I am the last Modernist: .posted by ben on Dec 18 at 01:07:05

Billy Jean is not my lover
and neither is anyone else.

It's almost 1am, and I can't sleep. I have a final in my Jewish and German Literature from the Enlightenment to the Present class later today at 7:30am. I'm scared, and I don't know why. I won't get an A in that class. I made the mistake of attacking post modernism, and now my grade is going to suffer accordingly. You would think that my Jewish teacher wouldn't mind me saying that the holocaust was a bad thing. It's not relative, as all that postmodern foolishness would claim. Some things are absolute.

At 1:30, I have my complex analysis final. Even if I get a zero on it, I will still earn a C+, which isn't all that bad. Hopefully I will do better than a zero however. After that, this semester is over. I really wish they didn't pack all that work into a few moments. Tests do not help me learn, sitting at home doing problems of my own accord is much more effective (and fun).

I used to enjoy tests, in middle school. It was nice to take a math test and have the teacher realize that I understood. Now, much of the math we do involves memorizing things. I tend to look them up, and never manage to memorize them, hence the bad grades on exams. Nice rationalization, don't you think?

My modem was supposed to come today. Qwest never sent it. I talked to a manager, and he promised to call me back once he got one sent. He never called me back.

I want to sit, alone, and make things. I don't want to spend my time at school, or in trite meetings when I could be doing something useful, or at least enjoying myself.

Little Fluffy Clouds: .posted by ben on Dec 15 at 02:30:28

Supposedly I get my modem in two more days. In 12 hours or so, I should have my Troy Lee full face helmet. It's carbon fiber. It's, for lack of a better word, nifty. Boulder is boring right now. I hate school. I just saw someone get arrested outside my house. I don't know what they did.

I went for a walk on the mall tonight. I saw Andre singing Christmas carols. He didn't see me, so I walked on. I don't really want to complain to him about fundamentalism, which is what will happen if I ever speak to him again. Later, two homeless men approached me. They said they didn't want to ask for money, and in doing so asked for money. I gave each one a dollar, thinking I was being generous. They asked for more. I said I only had a twenty. They asked for that. The homeless guy with the bad teeth said, "You can always get another one."

That set me off. "So can you." The homeless man asked how. I told him to use his dollar to go out to Labor Ready in Longmont tommorow morning. He's not going to go. I surprised at myself for getting that mad at him. It's not like I work very hard, but I do work harder than him. From my work, I feel I moderately deserve the moderate affluence I am stumbling though college toward.

I think I got hit on by another gay guy. That makes three, one of which is recurring. "Gay guys are hot" Betsy said. The world is a sick place.

Monopoly Is Not a Game: .posted by ben on Dec 10 at 01:44:51

My DSL service has been down since November 11. I have ordered a modem from quest five times. Once, when I asked for a tracking number, I was told I would get it when I got my modem. When I tried to explain the idiocy of this to the fool I was talking to, he got angry.

I've finally figured out how to change IP addresses on the various versions of linux I have. When this is all over with, I will actually have 15 machines running various things. I'll also have a 286 print server that won't be visible on the network.

I'm going to attempt to finish my math degree this spring, and get into the CS masters program at CU. I was sitting at Prufrock's today writing down what I want. Nowhere did I write "a graduate degree." Apparently it is implicit in wanting an enjoyable job. Though, I really don't want any job at all. I'd kind of like to roam the country in a VW microbus, writing, and taking pictures. Unfortunately, I'd need some sort of endowment, or benefactor to do that. Anyone want to sponsor my decadence?

That woman's ass is making me think of baboons.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Everyone gets mad at me. That, or they ignore me. I'm trying, but everything is going to hell anyway. I'm just not interested. The research I'm doing is trite, my classes are the same, I just want to sit, read, and write.

JBL2: .posted by ben on Nov 15 at 10:10:15

This was apparently my grandfather, James Benton Lackey Jr. I've been scanning images for my mother's genealogy web site and, against her wishes, I decided to scan some pictures of the Lackeys as well as of the Grays.

My mother enjoys talking about how Irish her family is, and how this is the cause of most of her suffering. I was looking over a family tree done by the Morehouses, and noticed that both James Benton Lackey's parents were Irish emigrants.

It's my understanding that one of my grandparents on the Gray side is more or less Irish and the other not. In this case, the Lackey side of the family is just as Irish as the Grays are.

I'm not really sure what this accomplishes. At the least it shows the foolishness of ascribing deep meaning to one's ancestry.

I never met my grandfather on the Lackey side. I found out when I was 16 that he killed himself after contracting some ailment that doctors could not cure. My Gray relatives seem mostly apathetic about me, particularly my grandparents. They pretend to care, but I'm not sure they do. Since I never knew my grandfather on this side, I can at least pretend we would have gotten along well.

1957 Sucked: .posted by ben on Nov 9 at 01:43:48

"It's surely one of the strange phenomena of this decade that the most thoughtful gift you can bring a date is not flowers, chocolates, or ankle-length pearls, but a note from your doctor."

          - Linda Sunshine
Tea: .posted by ben on Nov 8 at 14:22:04

My illustrious career in photography is dawning. Soon there will be a website. You can't wait, can you? In the meantime, check out the BLF.

Twain Aquire: .posted by ben on Nov 2 at 20:30:37

"If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people he gives it to."
          -Mark Twain
Love in the Internet: .posted by ben on Nov 2 at 19:44:42

I just put a personal up on nerve. Then I replied to four personals. God help me. The really sickening part would be if this actually worked. I am so bored. I have no cash, and I don't know of any coffee shops that take credit. My boring Friday night is just getting started. Must find more personals...

Of Halloween and the French: .posted by ben on Oct 31 at 18:52:29


"A man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive, and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with, and I will tell you his valuation of himself. ... He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer - because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut."
     -Ayn Rand (The Romantic Manifesto)

I don't want to conquer anyone. Want to curl up and be happy. Where does that put me?

Abbie Hoffman says that Lake Shore Drive in Chicago somehow pertains to LSD. Never mind LSD was invented in 1947, while Lake Shore Drive was built between 1912 and 1929. These details don't seem to bother Hoffman at all.

In 19 45 Project Paperclip was initiated. The U.S. State Department, Army intelligence, and the CIA recruited Nazi scientists and offer them immunity and secret identities in exchange for work on top secret government projects in the United States. Our government is evil.

"The destruction of cities and the slaughter of helpless citizens from the air, and other forms of terrorism, have little or no influence on armed forces in the field, nor will they affect the capture of a city defended by armed forces."
     -Basic Infantry Training, Col. P.S. Bond, United States Army, 1942 (p. 216).

Three Little Birds: .posted by ben on Oct 22 at 05:31:36

Nights such as this require a post to wasabi. I played unreal through the late hours of the night, until sometime after midnight. Then things become a blur. I cleaned up the file i/o for my spiking net in the hope of having something manageable to show Mozer at some point.

Now, morning is coming on. I'm not ready to go to bed. The house needs cleaning. I'll do the parts that don't really need done. When that is accomplished I think I'll go read The Crystal Frontier at Prufrock's on the hill. It's a collection of Fuentes' stories that I got my sister, and I don't think she read. It's okay, Collin bought the same book and didn't read them either. I hope to change this trend.

My neighbor, Chris, called the cops again. Some bored looking officer showed up at 3am to tell me he was supposed to tell me to turn my music down. Without my argument, however, he conceded the music wasn't loud, and told me not to worry about it. He did try to walk into the house though, which seems rather precisely unconstitutional. Of course, I'm starting to realize no one gives a damn about the Constitution anyway.

Morning is creeping up to the tune of Graham's Jazz or Rap or Techno. I'm not really sure. I have things to do, but the storefronts don't permit it yet. Why isn't the post office open all day? Seems like it's Hamilton's fault, though I couldn't say why I think that.

I hear it's nice in Mexico this time of year.

I Don't Know: .posted by ben on Oct 21 at 02:23:20


"Sex is my sex goal because sex is the sex of the sex future. Sex when sex is just sex is sex alone. Sex being a sex partner is a sex world filled with sex upon sex is sex for sure. Sex partners sex each other sex organs with sex layer upon sex layer. Sex can be sex only when its sex good or sex bad can be sex that you get sex because its only sex when the sex is like that sex. Sex should be sex wonderful when sex is part of a sex thing. Sex that is not a part of sex life can sex you out to the sex point of being sex. Sex includes sex most of the sex life you see a lot of sex getting sex all the time. Sex truly should sex be sex fine. But sex is sometimes sex outsexanding. This sex is the sex that most sex people want to sex roll in. Sex that is sex rolled in needs a sex bath to sex clean ones sex organs after sex like that. Although, sex when just sex alone is such a sex experience in this sex sex world we sex live in. Once sex takes a sex hold you become sex good at what you sex do in your sex life. Women like sex when the sex man knows what sex is supposed to be applied with sex. Sex, yes sex, and lots more sex, can be sex fun. I like sex in the sex mornings when sex is unplanned and sex good. Most sex men can't get enough sex with their sex babes and sex that way is sex good. You read this sex document and think that sex is surely in this sex file to much. But, sex is a word that sex sells and i like sex sales. I like sex that sells because that sex money is sex good. You are sex laughing right sex now because you say this sex guy is sex stupid. Well, sex you may be right but sex alone is sex that is good. Here is a sex joke you might sex like. I got sex laid last sex night, I just happened to be sex alone when it sex happened."

I'm Blue: .posted by ben on Oct 18 at 23:09:24

yo listen up here's a story
about a little guy that lives in a blue world
and all day and all night and everything he sees
is just blue like him inside and outside
blue his house with a blue little window
and a blue corvette
and everything is blue for him and hisself
and everybody around
cos he ain't got nobody to listen to
i'm blue da ba dee da ba die...
i have a blue house with a blue window.
blue is the colour of all that i wear.
blue are the streets and all the trees are too.
i have a girlfriend and she is so blue.
blue are the people here that walk around,
blue like my corvette, it's standing outside.
blue are the words i say and what i think.
blue are the feelings that live inside me.
i'm blue da ba dee da ba die...
           --eifel 65

God and Tull: .posted by ben on Oct 15 at 19:47:25

Hymn 43

Oh father high in heaven -- smile down upon your son whose busy with his money games -- his women and his gun. Oh Jesus save me! And the unsung Western hero killed an Indian or three and made his name in Hollywood to set the white man free. Oh Jesus save me! If Jesus saves -- well, He'd better save Himself from the gory glory seekers who use His name in death. Oh Jesus save me! I saw him in the city and on the mountains of the moon -- His cross was rather bloody -- He could hardly roll His stone. Oh Jesus save me!

Convential Bentonist Wisdom: .posted by ben on Oct 15 at 13:51:50

Old CW: Only through hypocrisy can we achieve greater morals.

New CW: Idealism is best accomplished with a regimen of excessive hypocrisy and moderated insanity.

It's Snowing: .posted by ben on Oct 15 at 05:10:19

Bow to my gigantic mind: .posted by ben on Oct 15 at 04:35:23

This isn't supposed to look this way, but it works anyway. Mozer isn't going to be happy. He'll tell me I did something wrong. But, I didn't, so he can go fuck himself. The vertical axis is accuracy (with an asymptote at 33%). The horizontal is time (call it milliseconds since we're talking neurons here). I'd say the curve in logarithmic. It's supposed to look like the antiderivative of the normal. Too bad I say, the pseudo math does not lie.

What this means is that the spiking neuron model does not have the same computational properties as a belief network or an attractor network. In brief, this is a failed attempt to unify connectionist networking. And I was right. No one ever listens to me, but my fucking intuition was right. Of course, all that means is that I am fucked.

Maybe I can publish and hypothesize a whole hell of a lot about why unification of connectionist networking is a profound steaming load of shit. Maybe not. I'll probably be forced to spend the next month trying to make this fit into a paradigm that it doesn't fit.

In other news... My gigantic brain is.

The standard of deviation for the IQ test is 16 with mean 100. I just scored 159. That is almost 3.7 standards of deviation from the mean. This puts me in the 99.9972196687th percentile or so.

I will crush you with my mind.



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