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Definitive Collinisms
(The Wit and Wisdom of J. Collin Poczatek)
That Certain Someone
"You looked like a boy!  I mean, you look much less like a boy now."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Commenting on a two-year-old yearbook 
					picture.)
"You don't need seatbelts on a mattress."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Responding to comments that the plan 
					to purchase an old school bus, paint 
					it psychedelic colors, equip it with a
					stereo, mattresses, sofas, etc., and 
					drive it around the country was 
					infeasible because, among other 
					things, it would have no seatbelts.)
"I'm bluntfully honest."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Commenting on his other comments.)
"She could kick me in the teeth, and I'd smile through my bloody gums."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
And Other Someones
"Your dress is plaid."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is.)
"What's a man to do?  It's like putting a steak in front of a hungry dog,
to use a crude analogy.  It's more artistic, spiritual, and emotional than
that.  I mean, that's a pretty base analogy."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
Luck With the Ladies
"That happens to me no matter what I do.  I could be eating waffles and I 
would be overcome by intense sexual frustration."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Responding to a friend's comment on 
					the probable outcome of co-ed skinny 
					dipping.)
"You'd think that if he can get what could be construed as a girlfriend 
within one week of going to school, then if I don't start babbling or 
throwing feces around I should be able to get one, too."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Commenting on his luck with women 
					compared to a friend's.)
(Not So) Vaguely Sexual Comments
"I'm carrying another man's gym shorts in my purse."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
"Nothing with a penis is getting any more of these chips."
[Collin proceeds to eat chips.]
						-J. Collin Poczatek
"Use protection."
"Sleep in a tent.  Lock the zipper.  On the tent."
						(first) -unknown
						(second) -J. Collin Poczatek
"Can you imagine rubbing this on your body and running around naked?  
I'm doing that right now."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(While swimming naked in the Boulder 
					Reservoir late at night and playing 
					with the muck.)
"I wonder if you could use the Force to jack off."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
An Intellectual Approach
"I've got spacetime by the balls now."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(While playing with a piece of latex 
					in physics class.)
"I saw this on TV."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(During a mock trial in a high school 
					Spanish class.)
"I will only reply in short bursts of genius."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(Commenting on his comments in an 
					e-mail discussion.)
It's a Rough Life
"If all else fails, we are doomed."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
"I'm gonna be an alcoholic.  That's gonna suck."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
"I don't care.  I'M gonna fucking kill everybody.  Then I will have power.  
(Sound of the head of the drunken/sleep deprived/disturbed Collin hitting 
floor/table/curb/bumper . . . )
"Sorry."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(E-mail response to discussion of a 
					crisis in relations between the U.S. 
					and Iraq.)
Recent additions...
"I struggle to find a balance between the populist and esoteric in me."
						-J. Collin Poczatek
					(In an email from Chicago.)
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